The AdLads sat down for a World Exclusive with YOUR President Of The Internet, Her Excellency Mrs. Janet Belmot for a bit of chat. And a smoothie.
AdLads: Did you start in advertising or did you start advertising? How and why?
President Belmot: I first became interested in advertising in August 2006. Up until then, it was basically rubbish and the industry was over-run with amateurs, like rats in the store galley of an ocean galleon. Disgusting.
My brain employs a technique called the ‘Belmot Fast Tester Reaction’. Basically, I look at something and, if it’s rubbish, I do it better. This was happening all the time when I was watching adverts, so I began to talk over them and eventually become an expert. Case closed!
The AdLads: What is the capital of Peru? Have you been there? Why not?
PB: This is DEFINITELY Lima. Like a lot of places, I have NOT been there. If you’ve ever been to Dorking yourself, you’ll know that us locals are spoilt for choice. Apart from the one-way system which is a national town-planning disgrace, it has the LOT. Shops, hairdressers and other amenities. So to answer your question, what has Lima got that Dorking hasn’t? Answer: nothing. This also explains the high proportion of Peruvian tourists around Dorking shopping centre.
AdLads: We’re pretty amazing now but want to be better. Are we greedy or just being modest?
PB: The key things to being better are: realising what you’re NOT better at, then doing something about it to better that area. Here’s an example: an advert, for a brand I won’t ‘name and shame’, uses surfers and horses to sell Guinness but it does NOT work.
Reason: there’s no beer in the advert. Result = confusion.
Solution: make it BETTER. I would do this by everyone riding on horseback up the beach to a beer cart. Shot of old surfers enjoying Guinness and laughing together.
In conclusion, not greedy but still must be better.
AdLads: Do you think things would be different if blogs were in fact called fads?
PB: One day this MAY happen, but it’s unlikely. Once things get a name, it’s VERY hard for them to change it. Look at what happened when the Post Office tried to call itself Royal Mail. No one got it and the post went haywire. I was expecting some doorhandles in the post and they NEVER arrived. If the wind slams a door, it’s murder getting it open again.
Answer = no.
AdLads: One of our cousins of 15 is bloody fit. When at family meals I laugh and joke of memories past with her often which leaves us in a state of exhausted bliss. I’ve never ever, ever, ever, ever thought about how awesome it would be if we were to be intimate. Is this wrong?
PB: The adjectives and lengthy back story make this one impenetrable. From what I skimmed, I would recommend a zoo or laser quest. If it’s a girl, show a field with a pony in it. Conclude with toys.
AdLads: What do you think of the guy who was made famous for hacking the M&C Saatchi site and planted a Saatchi & Saatchi ‘Nothing is Impossible’ logo on the homepage (his name is Anton and is most certainly absolutley 100% defo nothing to do with Adlads). We heard he’s in prison as M&C have issues with geniuses which he clearly is and is now a successful planner. Are you prepared to join his liberation army?
PB: The army is Herman’s area of expertise and, in many ways, his downfall. We went to a fancy dress party in 1992 and he INSISTED on dressing as Bismarck which did not go down at all well. Fortunately, it was my nephew’s 4th birthday party and he recognised his uncle, so he was not as terrified as his other infant friends and their parents.
In all seriousness, he is someone I would like to meet and could learn alot from, even though he does like to scamp around and cause trouble for people, he is adland’s Banksy.
AdLads: If you could advise anyone on how to write the best blog in the world, well, 3rd best given our 2, what would it be?
PB: Nonsensical. This is like asking the President to advise someone on being the President. Actually, that DOES seem to make sense now I see it in black and white.
The three key factors are:
1) Clarity of thought
2) Great computer-aided design skills (my preferred CAD package is Paint)
3) When you have nothing worth writing about, come to a halt.
AdLads: If you had 3 people round for a tea party in the garden. Who would you assign to bringing a paddling pool and why? Who would you assign to bring cakes and why? Who would be able to convince you that you should skinny dip in the paddling pool and why?
PB: Ha ha! The easiest way to answer this is by listing all the people I WOULDN’T trust to do anything: Carol. She’s as lazy as a fat monkey not having to lift a finger to help herself.
That said, she’s a good friend and would do anything for you, so that answers the question too.
Adlads: Why would you not want to work in advertising?
PB: Simple. Answer = this would not EVER happen. But mainly the opinionated amateurs ruining it for gurus.
AdLads: We think advertising helps us get birds, and it does, what career could get us even more birds?
PB: Again, Herman thinks the Army would the best option, but this is generally his answer for most things. Ignore him.
AdLads: What 10 things should a planner never do?
a) Always be planning (ABP). If you stop, except to eat and go to the t*ilet, you are NOT a planner by definition.
b) Never not blog. Blogging and planning are what the intelligentsia know as ‘synonyms’. The proles call this ‘words say different but be the same’. Idiots.
c) The Ten Commandments are a GOOD place to start if you’re looking for things not to do, but there are at least four other GREAT commandments I can think of which should be thought of as “biblical no-no’s” too. Drinking any kind of seafood smoothie after 11pm is an example. This is experience speaking.
d) Trust robots to do your job for you. They will NOT.
e) Run into the Creative Department with scissors facing outwards. Neither side can be trusted with the necessary safety awareness.
f) If you are in the public eye, take care of your appearance. If you can’t manage this, invest in ‘covering’ clothing such as boiler suits and balaclavas. No one wants to see unsightly things.
g) Keep livestock in the airing cupboard. Self-explanatory.
h) Let a client use your facilities (t*ilet) without freshening it first. They will judge you and NEVER change their opinion.
i) Start statements with phrases like “Based on no research at all, I’ve got a hunch that…”. Respect = lost.
AdLads: Raiders of the Lost Arc or Police Academy?
PB: I haven’t seen either of these films as both had EXCELLENT posters. If you can sum up a film in one poster, then you’ve not only done your job but saved me the price of admission (great ROI).
The ‘Lost Ark’ poster told me all I need to know (cowboy goes on holiday to Egypt, wins beach volleyball contest, irritates his headmaster but still goes to college). The Police Academy poster made me want to watch The Bill with American accents. Enough said. 4 stars****
AdLads: If we post this interview on our blog will you post it on yours?
PB: Yes. This will bring home the bacon (blogreaders) for both of us.
AdLads: Tell us how much you love your husband with the utmost emotional out pour you can possibly muster. We want to be crying after we read you answer.
PB: This really is Herman’s area again so I’ve asked him what the answer is. He says he’d describe me as a “good egg”. He is NOT an overly-emotional man.
This is also part of a worrying trend of his to refer to everything as ‘eggs’. Yesterday alone, he called Gordon Brown a ‘bad egg’; our car a ‘fast egg’; a cup of tea a ‘nice hot egg’ and also an omelette a ‘hot flat egg’ (factually true). I don’t know WHERE he’s got this from. I’m hoping it’s just a phase.
He’s just asked for a ‘quick trip to the eggs’. I literally haven’t a CLUE what he’s referring to.
Actually, the toilet door has just closed, so the mystery has been solved.
…..End of presidential prose….
A big thank you to our leader for taking the time out to sit down with the AdLads